


A Fire That Feeds Our Life

by angel



Series: Bookstore AU [14]
Category: White Collar RPF
Genre: M/M, Permanent Injury, Surgery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-11-02 03:16:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20603864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angel/pseuds/angel
Summary: Following the events of Wish You Were Here, Matt's injuries require surgery.  He and Tim navigate his recuperation and make plans for the future.





	A Fire That Feeds Our Life

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the 5 year wait for this story. I was inspired to write the next part, but when I went back and read through the entirety of Bookstore, I realized that I never finished and posted this story. It’s a tough one, but it has a happy ending.

_“To feel the love of people whom we love is a fire that feeds our life.”  
― Pablo Neruda_

The next morning, Matt woke and immediately wanted to die. His back was stiff and sore, so much so that he didn't think he could move. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was already 7:15. He was supposed to open the bookstore by 9:30, but he wasn't sure he'd be able to do it.

He shifted his legs and groaned as pain shot up his spine. Contemplating his options turned out to be moot when the light turned on and Tim sat up beside him with a worried frown. 

"What's wrong?"

"My back," Matt replied, feeling panicked when he honed in on the source of the pain. It was the part of his spine that had been fused in surgery years ago. 

"What can I do?"

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Without knowing what was wrong, it was pointless to panic. Or so he tried to tell himself. "There's a folder in the bottom nightstand drawer. It's my medical information and a list of my doctors."

Tim slid out of bed gingerly and found the information for him. "Is this it?"

"Yeah. Can you hand me my cell?"

After Tim passed it over, Matt dialed Dr. Sheppard's number and spoke briefly with the receptionist before being transferred back to his favorite nurse, Hilarie. He explained what had happened and his symptoms, and she put him on hold so that she could speak with the doctor.

While Matt waited, he tracked Tim's movements around the room. His boyfriend was pulling clothes out of the closet and the dresser for them both; Matt was touched by his thoughtfulness and simultaneously frustrated by Tim's assumption that they would be leaving the apartment.

Hilarie came back on the line after several minutes and told him that the doctor wanted to see him right away. When he got to the office, he was to ask for her, and she'd take care of him. 

Matt groaned as he ended the call and tossed the cell onto the bed.

"What did they say?" Tim asked. He was already halfway through getting dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. His favorite green sweater was also laid out on his side of the bed.

"They want me to come in right away."

"Then, let's get you dressed and get over there."

"No, Tim, you don't need to take me. I can call Joe or Willie."

Tim looked like he'd been slapped, and Matt immediately regretted his words.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean that I don't want you to come. I want you to come. I just don't-"

"Hey." Tim leaned over and kissed Matt to stop his rambling. "Stop. I want to be there."

Matt nodded. "You're going to have to help me up. It's going to hurt, but don't stop moving me, okay?"

Tim agreed and made short work of sitting him up and then dressing him in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. Tim had originally handed him a pair of jeans, but Matt knew he had next to no chance of getting them on here or off at the doctor's office, if that was necessary.

He could see Tim eyeing the wheelchair in the corner of the room. Matt used it on the rare days when he was too ill or too tired to keep his balance with the crutches. Right now, he wasn't sure his legs would hold him if he did manage to get vertical. 

"Ready to stand?" Tim asked, deliberately keeping his eyes on Matt now. It should have rankled but Matt was in too much pain to really care.

"Would you grab the chair instead?"

Tim looked surprised but moved it over to the side of the bed where Matt was able to transfer into it without help. Once he got his legs situated on the footrests, he leaned back and tried to catch his breath. 

"Rest for a minute." Tim squeezed Matt's shoulder. 

After Tim returned, with some of Matt's medications and a bottle of water, the two of them made their way to the hospital. Matt felt a little better physically once his muscle relaxants kicked in, but then the fear started to overwhelm him again.

On the drive, he thought about what would happen if he had to be admitted to the hospital again and how he could be sure that the medical staff recognized Tim as someone to keep informed about his status. His health care proxy was currently Willie, but it wouldn't be hard to change it. 

Thinking about Willie reminded him that he needed to call Marsha to get her to open the store. By the time he'd finished talking with her, Tim was in the parking garage looking for a space close to the elevator. 

~~!!~~

Matt took charge once Tim pushed him into the doctor's office. The receptionist was a young man that Matt didn't recognize, so he asked for Hilarie as instructed and gave the man his name.

He was relieved when she appeared a few minutes later, wearing a pair of light purple scrubs. She flinched briefly at the sight of his face; Matt had actually forgotten the broken nose and bruises since the pain in his back was so bad. Then, she smiled and gave him a quick, gentle hug. 

"Matt, I'm sorry to see you under these circumstances."

"Me too. Hilarie, this is Tim, my boyfriend."

Her eyes lit up. "It's nice to meet you!"

"Nice to meet you too," Tim replied. He shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably, and Matt reached out to squeeze his hand.

"If you'll both follow me," Hilarie said, heading back into the office. She led them to a spacious exam room with a low bed and pulled over a small desk on wheels with a laptop open on it. "Tell me everything. You know the drill."

Matt took his time explaining the mugging, the fall he'd taken, and the symptoms. He'd learned years ago that it was best not to withhold information from his nurses or doctors. 

"All right," she said, once she finished typing it all up. She held out a paper gown and pointed to the bed. "I'll give you some privacy." 

He barely noticed her leave since Tim was already helping him take his jacket off. "She's nice," Tim commented, wincing along with Matt when he twisted too far too quickly and pain shot up his spine. 

Nodding, Matt raised his arms so that Tim could pull his shirt off. "Hilarie's been here for five or six years. She always manages to assign herself to me when I come in."

"Crush?" Tim asked, forcing a chuckle.

Matt had to grin at that. "Not everyone falls for my charming smile, you know. Plus, she's married."

"Oh, yeah?" Tim was tugging off his sneakers.

"Jeff. He's a physical therapist a couple of floors down."

Now came the hard part. Matt clenched his eyes shut as he wiggled the sweatpants off his hips so that Tim could pull them the rest of the way down and off. 

"Breathe," Tim reminded him.

Matt took a ragged breath and then another. "This sucks."

"I know. I'm sorry."

The worry and guilt in Tim's voice caused Matt to open his eyes and reach for the other man. "Hey, this isn't your fault."

Tim sighed. "I should have been here."

Matt squeezed Tim's arm. "There was nothing you could have done. I wouldn't have called you to walk me home, not that late, and not since I felt safe in the area. I've never had trouble, regardless of the time I've left the store. Stop feeling guilty."

"I can't help it." Tim held up the gown for Matt to slip his arms in.

"_I_ don't blame you."

Tim just shook his head and pointed to the bed. "Do you need help getting over there?"

Matt's back chose that moment to spasm, despite the dose of muscle relaxant in his system, and he gasped and flailed, trying to find something to grab onto. 

Tim grabbed Matt's hands, and Matt squeezed as hard as he could. "Help!" Tim called. "Nurse!"

"Hil-" Matt ground out, "Hilarie."

"Hilarie!"

She dashed into the room, took in the scene, and started rummaging through the drawers that lined one side of the room. A moment later, she was filling a syringe from a bottle of medicine and then injecting it into Matt. 

It took a minute, but Matt started to relax. He slumped toward Tim while Hilarie returned to the computer and made notes. 

"Dr. Sheppard's on his way. Let's get you on the bed, okay?"

It took both Tim and Hilarie to move him, and once there, Matt didn't want to lay back. 

"It hurts," he snapped when Hilarie tried to coax him down. 

She was unfazed. Pulling a pillow out of a nearby cabinet, she held it up. "I'll prop you toward the side. You need to lay back before you fall over. Stop fighting me."

He sighed and let her help ease him down. She stuffed the pillow under his hip and then grabbed another from the cabinet to put under his shoulder. The angle helped keep pressure off his back, and Matt felt more relaxed than he'd felt so far that day.

After that, he was examined by Dr. Sheppard and then sent for an X-ray. It was uncomfortable, and Matt was ruder to the tech than he'd been with anyone in a while, but he found it hard to be contrite when his anxiety levels were rising. He'd dealt with a lot of aches and pains and spasms since his injury, but nothing had been this intense or painful. 

"The lab just sent up your results," Dr. Sheppard said in his gruff English accent as he entered the room. "Let's take a look."

While the doctor was attaching the x-rays to the light board, Matt reached for Tim's hand. 

"It's going to be okay," Tim whispered as he squeezed Matt's hand.

They both watched while Dr. Sheppard examined each film. When Matt couldn't take it any longer, he asked, "What do you see?"

"Would you like the good news or the bad news first?"

Matt didn't hesitate to say, "Bad news."

"We're going to have to do surgery. Tonight." The doctor pointed to one of the films. "It looks like there’s been some failure of the hardware that was placed in your back when we did the original lumbar fusion. I think it’s what’s causing the majority of your pain. We’ve talked about this before. Failure is possible after several years and after trauma of course."

Matt frowned and nodded.

"You said there was good news," Tim spoke up when Matt remained quiet.

"The good news is that the vertebrae and the spinal cord appear to be undamaged by the failure."

"Appear to be?" Tim almost choked the words out while Matt’s mind was whirling with the implications of everything the doctor was saying.

"Honestly, I won't know for sure until I get in there and see what's going on. The x-rays can only tell me so much."

Matt squeezed Tim's fingers. His hands had started to shake, but he didn't think he could stop it. This, plainly and simply, sucked. He'd always known it was a possible complication, but that didn't make it any easier to take when it actually happened. 

"Matt?" Dr. Sheppard was looking right at him, and he had to make a decision.

"Let's do it."

Dr. Sheppard nodded once and smiled sympathetically. "Okay. We'll get it scheduled and Hilarie will be in to start prepping you."

Once Dr. Sheppard left them alone, Matt closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. He felt Tim's lips on his forehead, and he forced a smile for his boyfriend. Then, he sighed. "This is major surgery. I'm going to be here for a few days and then there will be physical therapy and maybe home health nurses. I won't be walking for a little while. It's-"

Tim cut him off with a kiss. "Slow down, Matty. We'll take it one day at a time, but I'll be here for all of it, okay? I'm not going anywhere."

Matt hadn't consciously realized that he was afraid of Tim leaving him right now, but he was terrified of it. His heart skipped a beat and he grabbed at Tim's hand and shirt to keep him nearby.

"Hey, you're okay. Everything's okay." Tim kissed him again and stayed close enough to press his forehead to Matt's.

"Sorry. I hate this. I hate feeling like this."

"It's understandable. Try to relax." Tim freed a hand to brush his fingers through Matt's hair. It was incredibly soothing, and Matt calmed some. Despite the medication that Hilarie had given him, he was still in pain and it was keeping him for relaxing completely.

They were both quiet for a long moment before Matt opened his eyes and watched Tim watch him.

"Tim, I… I love you. I need you to know that."

"I do," Tim replied with a gentle smile. "I love you too."

Matt smiled too, and Tim kissed him again. 

Hilarie walked in a minute later, and they broke apart guiltily, but she just grinned at them. Things moved pretty quickly after that even though it really took a few hours to get everything done. Matt requested the paperwork that would make Tim his health care proxy, and he briefed Tim on his wishes. Then, Hilarie was prepping him for surgery, and he was being wheeled away.

~~!!~~

Tim took a few minutes to quietly freak out about what was happening in the privacy of Matt's empty exam room. Aside from some sports injuries and one minor car accident, Tim had never really had to spend any time in the hospital as a patient. As far as being a visitor, he'd been with Tiffani when Alex was born. This felt very different and not in a way that he was comfortable with.

He retreated to the waiting room so that the exam room could be prepped for a new patient. Matt had given him a list of people to call, and Willie was first up.

Tim wasn't sure how to break the news to Willie, but the conversation was quick. Willie had been expecting it, he’d said, and all Tim had really had to say was that Matt was in surgery. Willie promised to be on his way soon.

The next call was to Joe, who happened to have the day off and also promised to be there shortly. And then he spoke with Marsha about the bookstore. She would take care of things there and stop by the hospital when she closed up the shop for the night.

Matt's mother and siblings needed to be called too, but Matt had suggested that he leave that to Willie or Joe. Tim had been introduced to them via Skype, but it would be better for the news to come from someone that they knew. 

Tim brought everyone up to speed when they arrived with what little information he had. Willie and Joe pretty quickly jumped into experienced action. Willie took care of the phone calls to Matt’s family while Joe raided the vending machines for the best snacks and grabbed a couple of paperbacks and decks of cards from the gift shop to keep them busy. 

There were also personal phone calls for Tim to make. One to Diahann to let her know he needed some time off work; she was concerned about Matt and wanted to be kept updated on his condition. Another to Alexandra to let her know what was going on. The fact that Tim’s closest friends and family were concerned about his boyfriend brought tears to his eyes. 

Hours passed in games of poker, literary murder mysteries, and junk food before Dr. Sheppard came out to speak with them. They all stood quickly like reverse dominos as soon as the first person saw the doctor. 

He smiled and motioned for them to sit back down. "He did really well, and he's resting in Recovery now. Everything's been repaired or replaced, and there was no additional damage to his vertebrae or spinal cord."

Everyone breathed sighs of relief. Tim was the one to ask, "When can we see him?"

"It'll probably be an hour or so before he's moved to his room. Hilarie or one of the other nurses will come and get you when he's settled, but he probably won't be very cognizant tonight. Barring any complications, I hope to get him home within the week."

Tim nodded and held out his hand to shake the doctor's. "Thank you."

"Matt's a strong man. He'll be fine."

Willie and Joe also shook Dr. Sheppard's hand before he left them with the advice to get something good to eat for dinner. Joe turned to Tim and said, "He's right. We should go out for a little while. There's a great place two blocks down."

Tim looked back at the doors the doctor had disappeared through. "I don't know. I want to be there when he wakes up in his room."

Joe patted his back. "I understand, but he's going to be so high on anesthesia and painkillers, he won't remember it. Trust me."

Tim acquiesced with a nod, and they had a quiet dinner at a nearby diner. Joe volunteered to stay the night and alert the others if there were any complications. No one thought there would be, but they all felt better having someone there that would call them.

Both Willie and Joe expected protests from Tim and had their counter-arguments ready to go. Matt would need a rested boyfriend to be by his side for the rest of the week when neither Willie nor Joe would be available. This was the best time to get some sleep because Matt wouldn’t remember any of it due to the sedation and pain medication. Tim finally agreed and went home for the night with promises to be back first thing in the morning. 

True to his word, just after 8am, Tim was sitting next to Matt's bed when the heart monitor sped up and Matt started to squirm under his blanket. "Hey, calm down. You're okay. Matt?"

Matt's eyelids fluttered and opened a minute later. He grimaced and reflexively squeezed Tim's hand.

"Hey, there. You doing okay?"

"Tim?"

"Yeah. It's me. Are you okay?"

Matt's exhale was shaky and he murmured, "Hurts."

"Okay. It's okay. I'll call the nurse."

Matt squirmed more and was starting to get worked up, so Tim brushed his hair off his forehead and stroked the soft locks by his temple. 

"I'm here, Matty. Squeeze my hand."

"'Kay." Matt closed his eyes and gripped Tim's fingers with surprising strength.

The nurse, a lovely older woman named Judith, stepped inside the room and started asking Matt questions. It was clear that he wasn't fully cognizant by his answers, which mostly consisted of him saying that his back hurt and that he felt woozy regardless of what she asked. 

He calmed and fell back to sleep not long after she gave him more pain medication and an antiemetic, to be safe. It would be hell to vomit while trussed up like a turkey in a back brace.

The rest of the day was spent alternating between the paperback Joe had left him and calming Matt down every time he woke up in pain and confused. Tim was exhausted even though he didn’t feel like he’d really done anything all day. 

By evening, Matt was more like himself, except drowsy and with basically no brain-to-mouth filter. It was interesting to hear his inner thoughts verbalized, but Tim kept reminding himself that it was the drugs causing this and Matt would definitely be embarrassed if he were aware of everything he was saying. 

“It’s late, right?” Matt asked, looking around the room as if he were trying to find a clock. There wasn’t one; Tim had already looked for it. The blinds were also closed for the night, so they didn’t offer a clue as to time of day. “What day is it?”

“It’s almost 8:30,” Tim said, holding up his phone screen with the time displayed. “And it’s Tuesday.”

“Bedtime soon. You should wear that tank top. The gray one with the bear on it from that trip to Vermont. Makes your arms look so good.”

Tim chuckled. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You should wear tank tops more often. Like your biceps.”

“Thanks, Matty.” Tim had given up on complimenting his boyfriend back. Matt didn’t seem to hear him, which was unfortunate. Matt’s constant use of crutches had built his arms up nicely, and Tim thought he needed to know it. He’d have to tell him once Matt could remember such things. 

Matt fidgeted with the thin blanket covering his legs for a moment before he held his hand out toward Tim, palm up. 

Tim was bemused as he put his hand in Matt’s. “Everything okay?”

“Love you,” Matt murmured with a dopey smile. “Want to spend every day with you. Forever.”

“Me too,” Tim replied, leaning over to give Matt a gentle kiss on the lips. “Love you too. Get some sleep.”

The next few days passed in much the same manner, except that the pain medication was changed to something that allowed Matt to keep his thoughts inside his head more often than not. Physical therapy had also started, and Tim found that he had to leave the room for those appointments. He knew that Matt needed this to get him back to his previous level of activity, but that didn’t make it any easier to watch. 

By the time Matt was discharged, they were both more than ready to be back in their own apartment. Tim drove Matt home and got him situated in the recliner before heating up a stew that Willie had left in their refrigerator for a late lunch. 

They both took naps after lunch, and then Matt insisted on sitting in his wheelchair in the kitchen while Tim was cooking dinner in order to keep him company. 

“Did you talk to Marsha this morning?” Tim asked. He was chopping an onion for the meat sauce while a pot of water was heating up for the spaghetti noodles.

Matt fidgeted with the wheels of his chair, clearly dying to do something helpful, but then he yawned, giving away his exhaustion. “We agreed to change the store hours to something more manageable for her until I’m back on my feet.”

“That sounds reasonable.”

“I hate to do it, but it’s the best thing right now. I’m just grateful she’s willing to work as much as she is for now.”

“She loves the bookstore,” Tim said reassuringly. “I talked to her about it a couple of times, and she said she would let me know if it gets to be too much. I could always take some afternoons off to work the store and give her a break.”

Shaking his head, Matt wheeled forward a few inches. “Absolutely not. You’re so busy at your firm, and I could never ask you to do that.”

“You’re not asking. I’m offering. Plus things have calmed down at work, and I have some time I can take off. It’s not a big deal.” Tim had no intention of telling him yet that Diahann had agreed to take on some his responsibilities in the short term so that he could help Matt with anything he needed. He would tell him later when the whole situation was less raw. 

Matt heaved a frustrated breath and spun around to roll away for some distance from this conversation. “I hate this,” he muttered. “I hate having to rely on people, and I hate that everyone is rearranging their lives to accommodate me.”

Tim wiped his hands on a dish towel and moved closer to his boyfriend. He pulled a chair from the kitchen table and sat down directly in front of Matt so that they were at eye level. “Listen to me because I’m only going to say this once. Everyone loves you and wants to help you. No one is helping you out of pity or because we think you’re not capable. You are recovering from major surgery and that means your friends are going to step up and do a little more for you for a little while. As soon as you’re back on your feet, you’ll be doing everything that you were before, and probably more, but until then, suck it up buttercup.”

Matt stared into Tim’s eyes for several long moments. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, considering what to say, before blurting out, “Marry me.”

Tim was sure he hadn’t heard correctly. “What?”

“Marry me,” Matt said, more confidently and with a widening grin. “It’s perfect. You’re perfect. No boyfriend has ever talked to me like that before. You knew what I needed to hear. I just, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?”

Tim hesitated in a moment of mood whiplash before smiling and leaning forward to kiss Matt. “I love you. Of course, I’ll marry you. But we need to finish talking about this.”

Matt sighed. “I’m always going to struggle with letting other people help me. Intellectually, I know that I need help, but it’s so damn hard to accept it. Especially when I’m exhausted and in pain and aware of how far and long the road back to health will be. I’m sorry I’m being petulant.”

“Apology accepted. I’ll try to be less pushy about the help. I’m sorry if it was overwhelming.”

Matt nodded and gave him one more kiss before pointing to the kitchen. “I think something is on the verge of burning.”

“Shit!” Tim jumped up and ran to save the meat sauce. “Love you!”

“Love you too!”

~End

**Author's Note:**

> I didn’t want to let today pass without posting this story since it was ready, and I'll be flying home from a work trip shortly and offline for the rest of the day. When I wrote the first few paragraphs of this verse, I didn’t know why Matt was using crutches, but somewhere along the way, I realized that he was the kind of man who would give his life to help others and that this could be a small tribute to the first responders. I always wanted it to be a story of hope, of surviving and ultimately thriving post 9/11. My heart goes out to all of the men, women, and families affected by the September 11th attacks. I will never forget.


End file.
